There’s an infamous scene in invasion of the body snatchers in which Donald Sutherland’s character screams and points at our protagonists to signal her out “not one of them” to the others. Well, that’s essentially how I feel whenever I am thinking about my life these days. There’s a me I think I am and a me I wish I were, and the actual product is in the murky depths in between.
What if someone asks “and how do you know all this then?” or catches me unaware and my brain goes into a panic mode and doesn’t process information correctly? Am I a actually such a fraud that I have fooled myself into thinking that there are certain things I desire, but in reality this is not who I am?
Maybe..but I also believe that far from being a chrysalis, a man is a slab of clay you must mould into your image. But making an image of your clay is not enough: it will lose it’s shape and become a pile of mess if you do not make it properly. You must beat the air out of the clay- squeeze it, crush it, burn it with a fire of great intensity before you have your finished product.
That is what I intend to do with myself. Crush my soul and my desires and turn me into the man I should be, not the one I want to be. I’ll know when I no longer think of myself as a fraud.